Mother of 3 is a Good Deal?
from Mother of 3 is a Good Deal?
October 6, 2021Caller: I want to talk about dating costs.
KS: OK, are you single, are you married?
Caller: I’m single.
KS: Any children?
Caller: Yes, I have three girls.
KS: You gotta hold the phone steady... What do you want?
Caller: I mean, my issue is I work too much. That’s my issue. I work a lot. I’m always at work. Mostly twelve hours a day.
KS: How old is your youngest?
Caller: Thirteen.
KS: How many hours a week are you working?
Caller: I work about five days and I have two days off. I co-parent with her father.
KS: How many hours a week are you working?
Caller: Almost forty-five.
KS: A normal work week.
Caller: Yeah.
KS: You said that’s the problem. That ain’t the problem... I want to hear at least eighty. So if working ain’t the problem, what is it?
Caller: I’m trying to figure that out. I’m not sure. I mean. I put myself out there, you know.
KS: Well, what’s the outcome that you want?
Caller: I’m looking for companionship. I’m looking for marriage. You know, I have some standards, you know.
KS: Have you been married before?
Caller: I’ve been engaged twice to the same person.
KS: Engagement queens, y’all.
Caller: (laughs) The first time I was honest, you know. I told him I wasn’t ready. And the second time...
KS: (blows raspberry) Why marriage now?
Caller: I felt I’m being honest. I felt at the time I wasn’t ready at the time and now I’m ready.
KS: How tall are you?
Caller: I’m 5’4”.
KS: Dress size?
Caller: I’m sorry?
KS: Dress size?
Caller: My dress size? I would say 14.
KS: How much did you weigh last time you weighed yourself?
Caller: Well, actually I weighed myself today. I was 213.
KS: OK, so your man is 355lbs. That’s the way you need to start looking for men: 355lbs or more.
Caller: Why would you say that? I’m just curious.
KS: Cause you’re 213lbs.
Caller: So you're saying I have to lose weight to get the ideal man that I want? That’s what you’re saying?
KS: I’m saying you’re not the ideal woman that men want. You weigh more than a man. That’s why 2.3, y’all. 213lbs at five foot how?
Caller: I’m very confident, I’m very confident of myself.
KS: How tall are you again?
Caller: I’m five-four.
KS: Five-four. Ma’am, you are 35lbs over the average weight for the average black woman and she’s 60lbs overweight.
Caller: OK.
KS: So, you asked.
Caller: Thank you.
KS: So men who are looking to marry are not looking for women that weigh more than they do.
Caller: OK.
KS: They want to be able to carry them across the threshold.
Caller: OK, I’ll work on that. I mean, I used to be physically fit, but, when I, I started driving buses, maybe about four years now, so, you know.
KS: When was your last relationship?
Caller: My last relationship. Well, actually my last relationship was maybe about I want to say last year maybe around November?
KS How long did it last?
Caller: Not very long. You know...
KS: When was your last relationship over two years?
Caller: My last relationship over two years was in 2017 when my fiancé proposed to me.
KS: Your fiancé, the father of one of your children?
Caller: No, he’s not. I met him in school, you know, we...
KS: But you got three children by how many different men? Two? Three?
Caller: Three.
KS: OK, so this is what men don’t seem to understand: how women can go out and have one, two, three husbands. Because it used to require a husband to have a baby.
Caller: Right.
KS: So you should have one husband, two husbands, three husbands. With the person who you had your first child with, was he the first you lost your virginity to?
Caller: There was a circumstance...
KS: The person you had your first child with, was he also the person you lost your virginity to? Just say yes or no.
Caller: No.
KS: OK. so the person you lost your virginity to should have been your husband.
Caller: Correct.
KS: That’s four. So you should have one, two, three, four husbands. So you effectively, you’re out here at... How old again?
Caller: I’m thirty-five.
KS: Thirty-five, and you would have been married four times. You would have had one, two, three, four husbands to not be a virgin, to have three children...
Caller: Well, can I be...
KS: No, no, no, let me finish. This is how human beings have evolved.
Caller: Yeah, OK.
KS: Just because we make it OK now, still men are saying for a woman to have three children by three different men that needs to be three husbands...
Caller: Right.
KS: ...and she had sex. That means the man she married, should have been her husband. So you’re looking for a fifth husband. You’re looking for a fifth husband and you ain’t even forty years old. Why should you have five husbands?
Caller: Well, can I say something? Can I just...
KS: You can answer my question. Then you can say what you have to say. But you can’t just, when I go through all that trouble, it’s kind of rude to just go past my question.
Caller: You’re right. I’m sorry, I apologize.
KS: So the way this scenario looks, you’d be looking for the fifth husband at 35. Why should any woman have five husbands?
Caller: They shouldn’t. That’s like, insane.
KS: Thank you, thank you. So, go ahead.
Caller: I’m just, I understand what you’re saying and you’re being completely honest with me. I thank you for your honesty. You know, like I said, my childhood wasn’t, you know, peaches and cream. I just want to be transparent, you know, I was raped when I was sixteen years old and I had a child and that’s how my life started. You know, throughout the diversity and everything that I’ve been through in my childhood, you know, I feel as though I’m at a place in my life where, you know, I’ve gotten myself together financially...
KS: We don’t care about your money.
Caller: I understand. I heard you said that to the previous person.
KS: But I want to skip all the way to, but that’s the point: you guys care about that. It’s not how men pick. So even if I take into consideration your trauma as a teenager, it still doesn’t change the ultimate fact of you had two more children, and you are 213lbs. OK, this is why people think I’m an asshole because I stay on task. Life happens to us all. I was just speaking with the lady who was dealing with her own issue. We all have something.
Caller: Right.
KS: But you have to be what a man wants in order for him to give you the highest honor a man can give. You gave two men the highest honor you can give a man: to have a child. And you didn’t require marriage. So why are you requiring it now?
(silence)
KS: Cause you feel like you’re ready? That’s not how that works.
Caller: I get it, I get it. But what advice do you have for me now?
KS: OK, so let me ask you: let’s just say you believed me. And I said, ma’am, in order to find a husband, you need to drop down to about a 140lbs. And then after that, you could get married. Would you do it?
Caller: I would. But I’ma do it for myself, if I do it.
KS: That’s bullshit.
Caller: That’s bullshit?
KS: Yeah, you need to do it for us. And yourself. See, the instincts are wrong. Every other race of women does stuff to please their men. They say: I’m going to stay fit and thin because these men like it. Our women: I’ma do it for me. That’s why y’all are unmarried.
Caller: Wow.
KS: A white man ain’t rushing to marry you. Do other groups of women act like y’all do? Do you hear Becky talk about I’m strong and independent and don’t need no man? What other race of women sit back and tell you all their struggles and traumas and wear them like a goddamn badge of honor? Black women don’t own the market on misery and trauma. I know plenty of women who came from rural China who could tell, look at what you say and be like, pffft. You live in the freest country in the world.
Caller: Right.
KS: So my point is, with that attitude: I’m ready to be married now because I’m ready. OK, then fine. Then what is a man going to get with you? You’re ready to be married. Great. What does a man get with you being his wife?
Caller: What does a man get with me being his wife? I mean, I know my place and I know the roles that I’m supposed to play as a wife.
KS: What are those?
Caller: I would say: honor and respect. I would say that would be my first for me. You know, the typical stuff: cook, clean...
KS: Cooking and cleaning, due respect, is not special anymore. Hold on, listen to what I’m about to say. You got to cook and clean for yourself.
Caller: Right.
KS: So it’s not like you’re doing it for him.
Caller: OK.
KS: Honor and respect, OK.
Caller: It will be my first, honoring.
KS: Alright, here’s a more precise question: what do you have to offer a man that a man wants that you haven’t already offered to another man?
Caller: So, what do I have to offer to a man that I haven’t offered already to another man? That’s deep. I mean...
KS: Mm-hm.
Caller: I don’t...
KS: Because he’d be the first person offering you marriage and going through with it.
Caller: Right.
KS: What does he get that’s exclusive?
Caller: That’s exclusive?
KS: See, this is a minefield. This is meant to humble y’all and bring y’all down to reality, realize wait a minute, just cause I say I want this and want that and all he gets, what he gets from me exclusively is this vague thing called honor and respect. It’s very vague. Cooking and cleaning, I mean, yeah. Men can cook and clean these days. So...
Caller: I mean...
KS: So you need to understand where the men are coming from.
Caller: OK.
KS: The men have to pick. So the men are saying: well, wait a minute. You have three children, your youngest is thirteen. So I don’t I don’t get the benefit of, you know, having first access to her womb regardless as to the tragedy and trauma, get it? It doesn’t matter, it’s the reality. Cooking and cleaning... I had to learn how to cook and clean cause this is a modern world... And how many meals, how many days a week do you cook? Right now?
Caller: About four.
KS: Four out of seven?
Caller: To be honest, yeah.
KS: So you cook half the time? Right now? So if you got married...
Caller: But I’m doing better, I’m doing better...
KS: But if you got married, how many meals a week you gon’ cook?
Caller: To be honest, I probably would do... Maybe five.
KS: So the husband gets one whole additional meal over your children? Not really a strong value proposition, ma’am. Just doesn’t sound... See, I’m just I’m just lining it up. OK, listen, listen, you already cook four times a week. I wanted to do an extra meal. I want to cook an extra meal a week for this husband. Now he got to be able and willing to die for me and he got to be the stepfather to my children and he got to be one of , do all this other kinda stuff, and he gets a woman who will give him honor and respect, one additional meal a week, and... You’re 213lbs.
Caller: Oh sh...
KS: Is that not what you just said?
Caller: It is what I just said.
KS: OK, so why does it sound so like... When you say it, it’s like, damn, fuck. Don’t you think that’s how... What do you think that sounds to men like? Well, damn... Maybe it’s not such a good proposition for the man? Are your children’s fathers active in their lives?
Caller: Yes.
KS: So they got, so your husband would have to deal with at least two other men’s influence in his own home?
Caller: Mm, yeah.
KS: And he’d be a stepfather. Do you want any more children?
Caller: It’s questionable.
KS: Do you want any more children? That’s a yes or a no.
Caller: Possibly, yes, yes... I’ma say yes.
KS: Do you want any more children?
Caller: I’ma say yes.
KS: Do you want, how many more?
Caller: Probably just one more.
KS: OK. So at best your husband would get for being a stepfather, get one meal, honor and respect, he’d get one kid, but he’d have to be the stepfather to one, two, three children. So every dime that he spent on the kids, he’d have to split for four, three kids and one kid. Because he couldn’t just provide for his kid. He’d have to provide for the other ones too, right?
Caller: Right.
KS: So let’s say he had a son and he decided, Christmas time came and he had a thousand dollars to spend. He’d have to not spend a thousand dollars on his blood, he got to spend two hundred and fifty on his blood and then spend seven hundred and fifty on some other man’s blood.
Caller: Oh sh...
KS: Does your BD gon’ buy your husband’s kid a Christmas gift? Hell no! No, so that’s what you ladies are asking men to do. Hey, come over here and provide for my, your non-biological children instead of your biological children. I give you one and an additional meal and some honor and respect. Yeah, this doesn’t sound like that good a deal. You need to think about it, and what I’m, and thank you for being, for playing along with it, but this is how the men think. And then they roll up on you and it’s like, well damn, can I at least get you to be a dress size four or six? I mean, can I get something? No, you get this. Cause I’m better than I was! OK, but they ain’t getting you at the was, they getting you now.
Caller: Mm-hm.
KS: So when you say I lose the weight for myself, it’s cause you used to being by yourself.
Caller: True.
KS: Well, then it would be better to that man to go find a woman who already has a mindset of interdependence, not independence. So you’re not really ready. You just want.
Caller: No, I am.
KS: OK, go back and watch this video. I don’t think so. You’re not rude, but you’re, you want. But “ready” understands that I got a lot that I bring to the table, a lot of what men would call baggage and is what I’m offering, does it offset that baggage? I submit that vague respect and honor and one meal a week additional does not offset all of that. I’ll leave it to the men in the comments section: How many men would rush to say: I want to marry a woman and have one child and then split my resources with my one child amongst her other three kids?
KS: Does that, that don’t sound right to you? I often wonder: how does that sound to women? Cause seriously...
Caller: When you put it like that, I mean, yeah.
KS: Cause seriously though, I mean think about it, he only gets one kid so his son is one year old, three years old, five years old, and he got a thousand dollars to spend and he wanted to spend all thousand on his boy. You know you’d say something if he didn’t buy something for a, b and c. Then who loses? You don’t think his boy would be like, well damn, you got daddies too, so you get your daddy’s gift and my daddy’s gift? And your daddies don’t live in this house. My daddy lives in this house. My daddy is paying the rent, lights, phone, gas, groceries, everything else and I take less as the biological child in my daddy’s house but the men... That don’t sound like a good deal for a man, does it?
Caller: Not really.
KS: That’s cause you looking for the fifth husband.
Caller: OK.
KS: You’ve already had the benefit of five husbands, four husbands. And like we got here to begin with, and I feel sorry for your tragedy, but you understand what I’m saying. Back in the day, to have this many children and to have had sex, you would have had to be married first. Those are the costs. Y’all have skipped all those costs and now when you decide you want something, you want to put all the debt onto a man. That ain’t cool. Just think about it.
Caller: OK.
KS: Have a good one. Bye bye.
KS: That was good. I think that was good. I think that was a good example. So ladies, if you lost your virginity, husband one. Every child... was a husband. All them husbands. Husband...